How in God’s name are you meant to know when to stop buttering a crumpet?

A nanosecond after spreading the butter, it melts and falls down the holes, leaving it in an uncertain state somewhere between butteredness and non-butteredness. You could potentially collapse the probability waveform by biting into it, but unbuttered crumpet is like eating a bathroom sponge so it’s probably better safe than sorry. So you put on some more butter, which goes the way of the first. So you try some more butter. And some more, only stopping maybe half an hour later when you realise that your crumpet is now an island floating in a sea of cooling yellow grease.

Crumpet is a fun word to say. Crumpet crumpet crumpet.