You’ll no doubt be delighted to hear that, following a fiddling evening with TV and camera, my torrent of righteous bile aimed at adolescent objectification-fest Guitar Hero III now includes instructive illustrations for the serious student.

Go. See. Be illuminated. Or, y’know, don’t. Either’s good.

Extended play of GH3 had made it clearer why they’ve made such a shameless dive toward the lowest common denominator, though. Put simply, it’s nowhere near as good as the first two games in the series.

Going back to play a bit of Guitar Hero 2 in order to get some screenshots, it’s immediately noticable how much better it “feels” compared to the newer game. The note placement seems more natural - on occaision in GHIII’s medium difficulty it feels like notes have just been “missed out” at random, most notably in the incredibly familiar opening riffs to Paint It Black and Sunshine Of Your Love. Compare these to the thoroughly satisfying version of Smoke On The Water from the original game, and there’s no, er, comparison. More specifically, pretty much every time you think you can hammer-on or pull-off in Guitar Hero 2 (ie, play a note by just working the fret buttons without having to strum as well), you can. Several times in GHIII I’ve been caught in spots where the music suggests I ought to be able to hammer-on but the game doesn’t allow it. This is hugely annoying.

The third game’s tracklist isn’t as infested with horrible tedious see-how-fast-you-can-play-a-string-of-the-same-note thrash-metal bollocks as GH2’s, which is an obvious plus. It sabotages this by having a difficulty level that’s all over the fucking shop, having horrible tedious “boss battles” scattered through the game and then by dropping an joyless wall of fucking-stupidly-hardness across the last tier of songs. Also, the most-fun songs to play in GHIII (Kool Thing, Even Flow and Welcome To The Jungle, for the record) aren’t as fun to play as the most-fun songs to play in the previous two games. Of which we shall hear more later.

On the plus side, the new wireless guitar is lovely. Bigger and heavier than the original, and with a much longer strap so I don’t look like a member of the Byrds any more when I’m playing. So there’s that.

In summary, a large part of why I wanted Guitar Hero III was so that we’d have the second guitar ready for (us to take out a second mortgage and buy) Rock Band, which I’m quite unfeasably excited about. In that sense, I’m delighted with it. In every other respect it’s a disappointment, even taking aside previously mentioned issues. Guitar Hero had the best track list. Guitar Hero 2 is the best game. Guitar Hero III is bundled with the best peripheral. There you have it.

Come on, then, let’s have a quick Top 5 Most Fun Songs To Play From The Guitar Hero Series:

5) Who Was In My Room Last Night? - Butthole Surfers
An adrenaline rush like no other.

4) More Than A Feeling - Boston
I’m not proud. It’s a terrible, terrible song but it’s genuinely fantastic to play.

3) Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Gives Portal a run for its money in the “Best Game Ending Ever” stakes. The kids don’t like me playing this one, because I end up yowling along to it at an embarassingly loud volume.

2) Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple
Very, very little makes you feel more like an actual guitar hero than that riff. And the game does a terrific job of fooling you into thinking you’re actually playing it.

1) Sweet Child O’ Mine - Guns & Roses
A really testing yet good fun riff and a fantastic solo that ends in the game’s quintessential “My Fingers Just Did That With Absolutely No Input From My Brain” moment and then, brilliantly, a long pause with no notes that allows you time to bask in your own amazingness for having pulled the phrase off. Magic.